Down Day

I have a very painful swollen armpit again and feel very tired so I have given myself permission to take the strong hospital pain killers and Valium. Watched the last episode of 'Mildred" and escaped to bed. Will answer emails tomorrow.

Thursday morning

Thank you so much for all the messages, phone calls and emails. I slept till after 10 this morning and woke feeling much better. So much relief about the no chemo and my arm feels much much better. The hospital nurse phoned and ordered me to read and watch movies all day - no work. I will obey.

Hospital results

The best news is that no chemotherapy is needed. They also drained my very sore armpit . Only radiation therapy to happen later. Keith and I are very relieved and are on our way home. 

 

2nd hospital day

 Today, I woke up and felt normal. I wonder why. I don't remember feeling ordinary for quite a while. Anyway, I have eaten my last supper -and I ate Judy's lovely mulberry jam!

Yesterday I was so busy, that I was extremely tired last night. In the morning we went to Mt Beauty to replenish my drug supply, and food. While in Mt Beauty we bumped into a friend from my bushwalking group who had breast cancer more than once and has already lived 18years to tell the tale - oh what a lovely warm hug of friendship and understanding. Then Keith dropped me at lovely Di's. First I helped collate the local rag. Then it was time to go to a local meeting at the local coffee-come-everything shop about our local weekly exercise class. We had to argue our need for a weekly trainer with the council reps. We didn't exactly win but we do have a trainer once a month.

Then, back to the farm and time to round up particular cows, sort them, tag them and put them in a particular area to wait for the truck to collect them for the sale yards. Well, I didn't exactly do any of the active work - I was the secretary, ticking off the  numbers of their ear tags so we knew we had the right cows.

It took a long time and Di insisted on washing all the cow poo off my sandals before taking me home. I slept like a log all night almost drugless.

So now I have the morning to fill in - I am adding more audio books to my iPod and drinking water as instructed. Still can't do much with my xxxxxxx right arm (will it ever get better?) We leave home at 11.

Monday gone

This morning Keith and I went to the bonagilla migrant hostel "museum ". That exhausted us both so we slept the afternoon away. Now for a little TV and off to escape in sleep again. 

Boys have gone

There is no real update. It was so wonderful to have Karl and Dave here. Apart from their joyous company, they worked very hard in the garden. Yesterday they took me to visit Tim's family and then to Beechworth for a lovely lunch.

I have succumbed to taking all the medication given to me and although it makes me need a lot more rest, I am coping to some degree.

Thanks again for all the lovely messages, photos and emails - they mean such a lot to me.

My Lovely Boys

I have Karl and David here with us for a few days and Tim is coming over this afternoon. Although I say it myself, they are gorgeous.

Yesterday I saw a counsellor and although that was exhausting and quite traumatic, I think it was good for me. She says I am trying too hard too early to be accepting. So sleeping and hiding in a book is ok. She also said that my grief/depression/shock is a result of an accumulation of things - too many face operations, losing baby Alex and watching the family suffer, and now, as it seems, some bad frightening news every time I go to the Dr.

So, I am to allow myself to do whatever I feel like and not feel guilty. Escaping from reality is ok - talking books, movies, medication and lovely friends. Anything to get from this minute to next Wednesday's trip to hospital.

Results

One good thing is that there is no cancer in the lymph glands. The bad thing is that the tumour  is grade 3 and twice the size they thought so I go back to hospital next Wednesday. The other result is not back yet so it is not decided whether it will be chemo or radiation. Keith and Karl went home because keith had an appointment at Mt Beauty. I am staying with kaye as I have  an appointment with a counsellor tomorrow. I am feeling pretty down I am afraid. 

"Tiny Steps"

In my upside down life where nothing seems real, I took some tiny steps.

I still woke early (normal) and stayed in bed listening to my audio book until nine (my upside down life) when Keith came in with comfort, and persuaded me to get up for a coffee (upside down life as I always drank carob soy milk for breakfast)). Gone are the days of my early rising yoga, meditation etc., hours before Keith got up.

The first tiny step was that I could stand without shaking and didn't need a valium.

After my breakfast, another tiny step, I went outside, checked my 3 new chicks in their new maternity wing. Then I dead- headed the roses and collected rose buds and gladioli for vases. By that stage, I was exhausted and had to head for my bed and book.

After lunch I went out and picked blackberries (our own vines) and turned on my watering system. Keith made me a dandelion coffee, I turned off the watering system and now I am ready for bed and book again.

Yes, I know, I am a slow recoverer, but I can see an improvement. Life is still not real though. I still want my old life back. Not much Buddhist thought has reached my inner soul.

Monday and still in a cloud.

It is now 5 days since my surgery and I still don't feel normal. however I am going to try and express it. I have just had a long conversation with my Dorrigo friend, Shirley who has just been told she has her second suspicious "lump" and needs a another biopsy. We shared our feelings and we both felt a little better for it.

Maybe the anaesthetic has not completely worn off - the anaesthetist said it would take 2 weeks! I wake up, not wanting to get off the bed and when I do drag myself up, my legs shake, my brain does not seem to work, I have no motivation to do my usual happy activities. My arm is still a little sore but I am frightened to pick things up for fear of complications. I drag myself from small chore to another. The only thing I want to do is read to escape from reality. Shirley said she feels she is a character in a story but it is not her in the story. It is all wrong.

I don't have confidence that the pathology results will be good - why should they be?

I can't read my Buddhist book, but I did see a very old Helen Steiner Rice poem that probably says it all.

Look Beyond

Until you feel better

Be patient and wait

For patience is truly

A wonderful trait...

For most of the battles

Of life are won

By looking beyond

The clouds to the sun,

And having the patience

To wait for the day

When the sun comes out

And the clouds float away.

Not a good day.

Sorry I am not emailing today. Was feeling pretty low, wanting to curl up in a ball in bed. Kaye came out so things improved a bit. However I still feel wobbly and weak and my eyes are not too good.   Will catch up tomorrow.  

Pink

I haven't answered any emails today because I feel very low. Dave phoned and he said "write about it Mum".
So here goes. It won't be very inspiring.

I do not want to be in this pink club. I unpacked the pink box and got all the lovely pink gifts, pink brochures and pink books out. There are photos of smiling women with bald heads - "hee hee, we are so happy to be in this club".  I have always been amused at the Seniors magazine with the photo of a smiling woman sitting in one of those electric chairs that carry one up the stairs - "hee hee, I am so lucky I can't walk any more and can ride up the stairs in this chair".

I choose to be in the Theosophy club, the bantam chook lovers' club, the Diggers Garden Club, the Neighbourhood Watch club and maybe a few others, but I DO NOT CHOOSE to be in the Pink Ladies Club. If someone else gives me a pink bag of goodies as a reward for joining their club, I will probably use it to hit them over the head.

Mind you, the cushions for under my sore arm are great and I am sure I can use the free hand cream and Vitamin E cream (they are not pink by the way). Why did they put the special Pilates DVD in a pink cover and the teacher in a pink outfit?

I have worn pink a great deal - every time I do, people comment on how nice I look. I have a bag of pretty pink wool waiting to be knitted into a cardigan. Will this unwanted change in my life change my love of the colour pink forever? At the moment, every time I look at this stuff I go into a rage or melt down, so this afternoon, I was so upset, I took a valium and slept all afternoon.

I do not want to be in the pink club!

More Good Results

The X-rays and ultrasounds showed that the other organs show no signs of cancer. The blood tests show no signs of cancer cells. We won't know till after the operation whether the cancer has gone to any glands.

The anaesthetist has just phoned me with instructions for Wednesday. It is a little strange because I have one procedure at Albury Base Hospital and then move to the Private hospital for the next two, the second of which is the actual surgery. I only fast from 7.30am and he wants me to drink water till 11am. He also wants me to take the medications I am already on plus Panadol when we leave home. He was very friendly, unlike one anaesthetists I have experienced.

I was so stressed about going to the doctor and getting these results that I am very very tired now. Keith is going to get the dinner.

Tomorrow we are going to build our chook maternity ward - that should keep me occupied. Thanks so much for all of your lovely emails, sms's and phone calls.

Shaky morning

I am very shaky today – going to Dr Stuchbery to get results of the xrays and ultrasounds. Then – I just walked out my back door and narrowly missed treading on a black snake. I think it will be a valium day.

Sunday so far is better.

First, a big thank you for the frequent emails, phone calls and cute grandchildren photos. They mean so much to me.

Irene's email today is very much like what I read this morning. The chapter started:

Sometimes we approach meditation too much from an ideal of trying to control the mind and get rid of unwanted mental states...

...Learn to be at peace with the way you are, rather than trying to become something, or achieve a state that you'd like to have. 

You're born and you have to live a lifetime as a conscious being in a very sensitive form. So what impinges on you, what comes to you from the objective world, is going to affect you.

It then goes on to remind us, as if we should really need reminding, that life is a roller-coaster of ups and downs. We get sick, we lose people, we have joyous experiences, friendships, relationships..... and we die. That is the human condition. Then, it goes back to Camus idea - well it is his poetry, but the truth appears in many great books, including the Bible and the Grow book.

You have the wisdom, the mindfulness, the ability to roll with the flow rather than be drowned by the tidal waves of life.

After reading this chapter I closed my eyes and listed to a cd, which most people would think was a bit weird. I got it from Mt Beauty library. I found it very calming. I googled the author and found that  Sylvia Brown was a bit of a weird psychic. Not to worry, I got up feeling positive!

Keith and I have already been for a walk, I have dead-headed the roses and the bread is nearly ready for lunch. And, I haven't taken any valium (yet)! Maybe the new medication is kicking in.

Here's to the rest of the day being "up".

Small problem - I can't drink alcohol for my toast. Up with the ginger beer!

Constant Struggle

Each day, I vow to be positive. I begin with positive reading and mediation (of a sort), and even yoga for the last two days, then get about being busy.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Yesterday, I was thoroughly occupied helping Di collate books in Wodonga. Then by some stroke of good luck (providence, angel intervention?), I spent 2.5 hours playing recorder with one of my recorder buddies (Suzanne) before coming home with Di. So the way I see it each evening is "that's one day over with".

Today has been black. I started reading a Buddhist book, "The Way it is" by Ajahn Sumedho. The words that jumped out at me:

Whatever diseases I may get, or tragedies or catastrophes or successes or the best to the worst, one can say that this is the way it is. And in there is acceptance and non-anger, non-greed and the ability to cope with life as it's happening.....

... Don't worry that it might change for the worse. Whatever way it changes, we have the wisdom to adapt to it.

....We're are always endangered, there's always something to be worried about, something to be frightened of. But when that illusion is punctuated with wisdom, then there is fearlessness; we see this as a journey, a transition from the sensory realm and we are willing to learn the lessons it teaches us, no matter what those lessons might be.

I am not writing this to convert you to Buddhism! I am writing it because I believe this wisdom and maybe writing it will make it go to my heart and not only to my intellect. Why oh why can I not be like a serene Buddhist.

Instead, I have dragged myself from one job to the other, feeling ever so low, with the odd tear dropping. It is 4.39pm - the day is nearly over - how wrong is that thinking! Maybe tomorrow will be better.

My help cometh from..........the Alpine Nurse

After writing yesterday, I cooked up a dinner to put in the oven and was planning on mowing the grass with Judy's help, However, cooking is hard - doesn't require enough brain work, I think, and the last steps off the cooking probably had an added ingredient of tears. It very quickly went into "hysteria" and I think even Keith was about to go into panic mode from frustration as to what to do to help. I sms'd Judy to tell her I was incapable of mowing and in a little while she came over. After a while, I just got better - and I don't even know why.

Judy persuaded  me to go for a walk, quite a long way actually and I am a bit stiff today. Then, this morning Judy and I mowed all the grass at 8am!

This morning the Alpine Breast Care Nurse, Kerry, phoned me to ask how I was going and as soon as I told her, she took the problem out of our hands and phoned my doctor immediately. As far as I understand it, accumulated stress depletes seratonin and I may have been short of it before this diagnosis. Not only that, the type of cancer I have "feeds on oestrogen and progesterone", both of which affect mood. I have now had my medication changed but it won't have an immediate effect, so I have been advised to keep working on my own ability to cope and to take the valium tablet as soon as I feel the first symptoms of attack. All this helps - tools on both sides - physical and mental. It is 4.43pm and I am still holding together!!!

On the plus side, I read:
Today's riddles need today's answers. This back and forth allows your life to rise continually, because at the deepest level you are inviting the challenges to become more difficult - with greater mysteries come greater revelations (Chopra again).

Something about this reminded me of the words of Camus that saved me in 1975:

In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back. – Albert Camus, The Stranger

More Tests

Sudden losses and setbacks shake everyone up; those who keep moving forward are buoyed by knowing that their path cannot be destroyed, only interrupted (Chopra).- I wish I could really know this.

Went into Albury for more tests this morning, not the dreaded ones I thought I was having (blaming bad memory and doctor's poor illegible writing). Anyway, it was just X-rays and ultrasounds of the rest of my body - no results till next Monday.

So, I keep busy - probably denial is my tactic, but it only works for a while and then reality hits. Maybe today will be the day I get though without a melt down. I think I have self-diagnosed it as an "anxiety attack" and it suddenly comes from seemingly nowhere.

 I found on the net that if you raise your eyebrows very high, it is impossible to cry. Then I found another hint:
When you feel like you're going to lose it, pinch that little bit of skin between your thumb and pointer finger. Pinch it hard. 

Another day

I woke this morning capable of reading and listening to my meditation tape. Some thoughts:
On the seven levels of illusion (Chopra), the first only seems to fit me.
Problems created by fear, anger, and other negative impulses.

Some bits that  jumped up at me:
Almost all of my energy is directed at survival. At this level I want to lash out and blame others(no I don't - just life in general). I feel frustrated that the situation is happening. Everything seems out of control............ I am stuck at this level, feel helpless, victimised, paralysed, lost, or in need of guidance from those who are stronger than me. Weakness dominates my response.

The solution:
Feel the negative response, but don't trust it. Move beyond fear and anger. Ask for guidance. Make no decisions until you feel balanced and clear once more. Haste is your enemy. Impulse control is your ally.

Coffee chat with Keith
The facts I know:

• my type of cancer is mostly curable
• from my memory of GROW wisdom, therefore, my cure is not certain, bit it is probable and most likely 

My recent experience;

• 9/10 people who are recalled for a second mammogram do not have cancer - I was the 1/10
• I am not sure of the statistics many people who have the biopsy also do not have cancer - I am one of the few who missed out on the good news.
• My trips to the skin specialist over the last few years almost always end up needing face operations for basal cell cancer.

So, it is hard to believe the logic that Keith reminds me of -  that none of these past experiences have relevance for this next one. Was never too good at logic.

Take baby steps, Heather said. 

Take one day at a time, say the Twelve Steps of AA, Grow etc. 

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself" (Matthew 6;34)

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” 
― Gautama Buddha

After the Book Launch and Picnic Races

I have just put my post up on my normal blog, so you can see that I got through it. I just wanted to add here that it was bloody difficult. I had to resort to some medicinal support too get there and decided on that instead of grog! I managed to greet people people with charm and the reply to the "how are you" with the expected "very well thank you".

At the races, when I left Keith at his signing table, I went in search of the "Goonan" marquee. At first I couldn't find her and like a baby. the tears were trying to force their way out. Out of the crowd, Di called "are you ok....? Oh no you're not". From then on, I enjoyed the company of Di's large family - all up from Melbourne, and the lovely Sr Eileen. I had a laugh when one of Di's sons greeted and hugged Eileen with "Hi Eileen. How is God treating you?". She replied "Is He here?"

Despite her ordinariness and funniness, she is serene, spiritual and loving.

Last night I was exhausted in every way. I don't know this person who has become me. Every moment I am with myself is difficult.

This morning we had lovely visitors. Shane (my first cousin, once removed- Noellene's son) came with his two daughters, his lovely new lady friend and her two daughters. We enjoyed their visit immensely. Shane phoned yesterday so I knew they were coming. When I woke at 9am (can you believe I did that?), I did not have time to do the usual thinking and got up to make blueberry muffins, which apparently were a success - the girls ate very one of them.

But of course, (wrth gwrs in Welsh), they went and my struggle returned.

So I suppose I want you to know that I am doing what I have to do, but underneath.........

Christmas Over

I just read my last posts and I can't believe I was writing so positively some of the time.

It has been a very special time having Dave and Al's family here with us. There have been moments of hilarity, especially between Dave and Scott, and moments of sheer joy with the children. I can't really write about it much as I am having a really really bad day.

They have all gone. I am cleaning up, washing etc while the tears roll.

Last night, Keith, Scott and most particularly Alison, help me unpack the parcels I had received from the Breast Cancer organisation. The sight of them had been very upsetting to me. I looked, and now they are packed up again because I don't want to see the stuff in the boxes.

Al asked me what my fears were. There are many and I could tearfully talk about them last night but I can't write about them yet. None of the support offered to me is available this week, but my physio who runs my Pilates class is giving me an hour tomorrow to help me move my muscles and get back to my exercise regime. I seem to have lost my motivation and joy.

Tomorrow night we have to go to the big Launch of Keith's book and the Picnic Races on Saturday. What should feel like exciting events fill me with horror.