It was with trepidation that I saw the specialist today. The verdict is that I will need a lumpectomy only, as well as some gland removal to make sure. This is booked in for January 14. There are several appointments between the new year and then for various tests. About six weeks after the surgery, I will have to have radiotherapy, daily for 6 weeks, in Albury.
My worst fear was a mastectomy, and that the cancer had spread further afield, but the lovely doctor is as certain as he can be before the surgery that this has not happened and that the tumour is small (11mm actually).
Keith and I are both much relieved in spite of the prospect of all this stuff in our lives as well as the most likely postponement of Keith's hip replacement. Can't see how we can manage that at the same time.
In the meantime, I was advised to get set up with some almost free counselling at the McGrath Cancer Centre in Albury - I will have to go to Mt Beauty tomorrow to get the GP to set it up. A bonus - I was fitted for my reward - a free Berlei bra for every breast cancer sufferer. How lucky can one get?
I think I will settle down now and sleep better although I am pretty proud of myself for only using the sleeping pill once. I think I can get back into my positive thinking books, meditation and yoga. I hope I don't have any more melt downs.
Alison and David will arrive tomorrow afternoon so I will have plenty to occupy me then. We have just arrived home as we also had to do all the last minute Xmas food shopping. I won't be blogging for a while now as we will have a break from this cancer stuff till my next appointment on Jan 6.
Thanks again for putting up with me and for your loving support.
Monday, 22 December 2014
Monday, Specialist Verdict Day
Seeking Peace in My Garden
These geraniums look insignificant, but it is new life, reincarnated flowers from my poor old mother's geranium. When striking new flowers it is always exciting to me when the flower first comes out. I remember the day Rob & I took Mum shopping to buy new plants when she went into the nursing home. Well now they are in my garden.
This one was a packet of surprises and for a long time it looked like a pot of weeds, but various flowers are just starting to bloom.
Received today:
These geraniums look insignificant, but it is new life, reincarnated flowers from my poor old mother's geranium. When striking new flowers it is always exciting to me when the flower first comes out. I remember the day Rob & I took Mum shopping to buy new plants when she went into the nursing home. Well now they are in my garden.
This one was a packet of surprises and for a long time it looked like a pot of weeds, but various flowers are just starting to bloom.Received today:
Never helpless. Just overwhelmed. Draw upon that inner beauty and love we all know you possess, baby steps one day at a time.....
All will be well
Love and hugs
Heather xxxxx
Sunday, the Roller Coaster Day
Up
Yesterday, as I wrote in the last post, I woke up in control and doing positive cooking etc Keith praised me for my surprising bravery. It didn't last!
Down
Keith phoned Irene and Jim, and Jan & Grant (more of our lovely friends) and when I heard the words "Wyverne has been diagnosed with breast cancer", I went into a huge down. Those words! I didn't just weep - I had another explosive vent of emotion that took quite a long time and a tablet to calm down.
Up
I went to pick up Di to to put up the Xmas tree at Tim's. Sr Eileen happened to call at the same time (well maybe Di had something to do with that, but maybe not, maybe a higher power!). Sr Eileen is a beautiful lady who is a retired teacher and now is sort of protector, supporter of all in need along the Kiewa Valley. More tea, hugs, laughter and tears. Finally we continued to Tim's where Karen and Erik (Tim's parents-in-law) were busily preparing the house, lawns and swimming pool for our family to enjoy over Xmas. Now Karen's mother has had breast cancer and Erik's mother also, so they are well experienced in my problems. More tea and coffee - I am not drinking coffee so they found a herbal tea in the pantry for me. So, escape from my reality for a while. Di took over the tree and Xmas light erection - I seem to have lost my organisation skills - something I am usually proud of. How in the dickens do you put the tree together?
Down
On arrival back at Di's, I admitted that I didn't want to go home. Why? I had to face my reality again.
Up
Emails and sms's are pouring in with most beautiful words of comfort and affirmation. Yesterday Di told me I "was a beautiful soul and that I had an aura about me". I laughed but she insisted. I replied, well so many people are saying it, "maybe I am a bit beautiful" - more laughter.
Keith had watered all my plants and prepared a dinner that I enjoyed and ate the whole plate full. So, washed up and tried to watch some TV - and knit. Judy arrived with cookies and chocolate balls for our Xmas spread. Oh Judy, your love and help is so much appreciated. But I soon went down again.
Down
Keith held me in my uncontrollable despair unit I fell asleep. I had decided to try a drugless sleep again and it worked till I woke at 6.
A tiny " "UP'
This morning, through the tears (very difficult), I read more wisdom form Deeprak Chopra but I had to give up and it was no good trying to meditate.
Down
Had a shower to try to wash it away, but you know, nothing would wash away. I am struggling to see the computer keys and screen, so will close. I have to confess to taking a tablet.
Keith is still asleep and I am trying to keep him asleep. This whole thing must be exhausting him, but he never complains - is serene, loving and patient.
We have to do breakfast and go to town - shopping and the dreaded appointment with the specialist. I have to say I am very scared. I have to admit to anger as well. What was the point of all my healthy eating, exercise and spiritual growth efforts?
Down
Keith phoned Irene and Jim, and Jan & Grant (more of our lovely friends) and when I heard the words "Wyverne has been diagnosed with breast cancer", I went into a huge down. Those words! I didn't just weep - I had another explosive vent of emotion that took quite a long time and a tablet to calm down.
Up
I went to pick up Di to to put up the Xmas tree at Tim's. Sr Eileen happened to call at the same time (well maybe Di had something to do with that, but maybe not, maybe a higher power!). Sr Eileen is a beautiful lady who is a retired teacher and now is sort of protector, supporter of all in need along the Kiewa Valley. More tea, hugs, laughter and tears. Finally we continued to Tim's where Karen and Erik (Tim's parents-in-law) were busily preparing the house, lawns and swimming pool for our family to enjoy over Xmas. Now Karen's mother has had breast cancer and Erik's mother also, so they are well experienced in my problems. More tea and coffee - I am not drinking coffee so they found a herbal tea in the pantry for me. So, escape from my reality for a while. Di took over the tree and Xmas light erection - I seem to have lost my organisation skills - something I am usually proud of. How in the dickens do you put the tree together?
Down
On arrival back at Di's, I admitted that I didn't want to go home. Why? I had to face my reality again.
Up
Emails and sms's are pouring in with most beautiful words of comfort and affirmation. Yesterday Di told me I "was a beautiful soul and that I had an aura about me". I laughed but she insisted. I replied, well so many people are saying it, "maybe I am a bit beautiful" - more laughter.
Keith had watered all my plants and prepared a dinner that I enjoyed and ate the whole plate full. So, washed up and tried to watch some TV - and knit. Judy arrived with cookies and chocolate balls for our Xmas spread. Oh Judy, your love and help is so much appreciated. But I soon went down again.
Down
Keith held me in my uncontrollable despair unit I fell asleep. I had decided to try a drugless sleep again and it worked till I woke at 6.
A tiny " "UP'
This morning, through the tears (very difficult), I read more wisdom form Deeprak Chopra but I had to give up and it was no good trying to meditate.
Down
Had a shower to try to wash it away, but you know, nothing would wash away. I am struggling to see the computer keys and screen, so will close. I have to confess to taking a tablet.
Keith is still asleep and I am trying to keep him asleep. This whole thing must be exhausting him, but he never complains - is serene, loving and patient.
We have to do breakfast and go to town - shopping and the dreaded appointment with the specialist. I have to say I am very scared. I have to admit to anger as well. What was the point of all my healthy eating, exercise and spiritual growth efforts?
Sunday, 21 December 2014
Girl Power
When I began to fall apart, the days between the biopsy and the diagnosis, the Breast Clinic Nurse advised me to call out for help and not suffer alone. Since my closest friends, including my lovely sister and my lovely cousin, all lived a long way away, that would be difficult. Phone calls and sms's are great but nothing replaces hugs. One of my old girl buddies will be back from America in a couple of weeks though.
I have made some local friends but happily, I haven't had to reach out for help before. So, I dared to reach out. First, before the diagnosis, I messaged Di, over the other side of the river - a desperate email & sms. Di replied "let's go berry-picking". How wonderful! It couldn't have been better. Di gave me support in so many ways - hugs and diversion.
I have had a supportive phone call from the Breast Clinic in Albury and now an almost sanity-saving call from the Alpine Breast Cancer support nurse. Oh thank you.
Yesterday, I contacted Jenni (uni colleague, Theosophy/philosophy mate and dear friend). She arrived with her Mum, driving all the way from Wodonga. Earlier in the morning, out of sheer despair, I called Judy next door. Judy came straight over and then promised to return in the afternoon to help organise me into the Christmas cooking. After the cooking, we mowed all the grass together, me on the ride-on and Judy pushing in all the hard areas. Their loving support and ability to get me moving were so much appreciated.
I slept last night! This morning I woke up with only a few tears and was able to read some Deepak Chopra and meditate for just 5 minutes.
I need to add before I go, that Keith has been wonderful - so patient as I fell apart. The silent cuddles at my sleepless times and each time I dissolve. But my girls have supported him too and have given him some relief.
I have made some local friends but happily, I haven't had to reach out for help before. So, I dared to reach out. First, before the diagnosis, I messaged Di, over the other side of the river - a desperate email & sms. Di replied "let's go berry-picking". How wonderful! It couldn't have been better. Di gave me support in so many ways - hugs and diversion.
I have had a supportive phone call from the Breast Clinic in Albury and now an almost sanity-saving call from the Alpine Breast Cancer support nurse. Oh thank you.
Yesterday, I contacted Jenni (uni colleague, Theosophy/philosophy mate and dear friend). She arrived with her Mum, driving all the way from Wodonga. Earlier in the morning, out of sheer despair, I called Judy next door. Judy came straight over and then promised to return in the afternoon to help organise me into the Christmas cooking. After the cooking, we mowed all the grass together, me on the ride-on and Judy pushing in all the hard areas. Their loving support and ability to get me moving were so much appreciated.
I slept last night! This morning I woke up with only a few tears and was able to read some Deepak Chopra and meditate for just 5 minutes.
I need to add before I go, that Keith has been wonderful - so patient as I fell apart. The silent cuddles at my sleepless times and each time I dissolve. But my girls have supported him too and have given him some relief.
What's Spoiling My World
When Alison was little, when she loved to dress in her many hand-me-down pretty dresses, she once told me that I was "spoiling the world" because I wore trousers. It has been family joke ever since. We say it whenever any of us complains about something fairly insignificant interrupts our life or sense of artistic beauty.
This week, I have felt like the little girl Alison. My world has been turned upside down by the words "it has come back as cancer". The week before hand - waiting for biopsy results were difficult to start with but the diagnosis ..... well, what can I say?
I have decided to write this in a private blog, for my closest friends. I decided this yesterday after trying to email or sms the same things to all I needed (was going to write wanted, but that is not true). I needed to share my misery and I needed support. I am not going to share all the boring details - well if I do, please tell me.
I have read lots of other people' experiences on blogs over the last few days and it helped me no end. There is nothing like reading that I am not the only one to fall apart and cry like a baby.
I need to also say right at the start that the GP's and Breast Cancer counsellor have assured me that the cancer I have is mostly curable, so for that, I am supposed to be happy. I haven't quite reached that state yet. On Monday I go to the specialist and then I will know more.
This week, I have felt like the little girl Alison. My world has been turned upside down by the words "it has come back as cancer". The week before hand - waiting for biopsy results were difficult to start with but the diagnosis ..... well, what can I say?
I have decided to write this in a private blog, for my closest friends. I decided this yesterday after trying to email or sms the same things to all I needed (was going to write wanted, but that is not true). I needed to share my misery and I needed support. I am not going to share all the boring details - well if I do, please tell me.
I have read lots of other people' experiences on blogs over the last few days and it helped me no end. There is nothing like reading that I am not the only one to fall apart and cry like a baby.
I need to also say right at the start that the GP's and Breast Cancer counsellor have assured me that the cancer I have is mostly curable, so for that, I am supposed to be happy. I haven't quite reached that state yet. On Monday I go to the specialist and then I will know more.
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