Choices.

This morning on awaking, i did one of Tim's mindfulness meditation cd's. I was led to observe the thoughts as they came and went. What kept coming up were the stern unsmiling words of one of the radiation nurses on Thursday, after she told me that there would be no "deep breathing organ saving" type radiation".

Nurse: "Well, do we go ahead?"
Me: "What choice do I have?"
Nurse: "It's always your choice" (said 3 times)

For sure I do - mastectomy, radiation + drugs, or a high risk of a returning, fast growing cancer. It honestly made me want to slap her unsmiling face. For all the positive thinking reading, meditation attempts etc I am still angry. Most medical people I am dealing with are kind, full of empathy and understanding - thankfully.

Today, I will steadily take myself through household jobs, hopefully some Japanese and Welsh and definitely the daily post-operative Pilates. Cousin Noellene will arrive - and I can't wait to see her. Tonight, we are going over to Tim's for an early celebration of Tim's birthday.  I just have to hold it together today.

Just so you know I am not completely hopeless, yesterday afternoon after a nasty "down crying" session, I took a valium and went to bed. Then I got up and steered the ride-on-mower over almost all the grass!! Alison sent me an sms "Bravo!"

Thanks to Diana for phoning me at the right moment yesterday afternoon. You are such a help.